


When You Think Of Love, Do You Think Of Pain?

by agayprocella



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Domestic, Established Relationship, Flashbacks, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sick Character, Trauma, also i got sick halfway through this which is very ironic and totally not gods attempt to smite me, but on ther other SIKE, get yourself a leorio, guess whos (sing song voice) projectiiiing, idk what possessed me while writing this, if i had to go through that so do you bitch, leorio is a very good boyfriend, so on one hand im so sorry kurapika, this is kinda based on personal experiences
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-30
Updated: 2020-01-30
Packaged: 2021-02-25 05:27:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22426945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agayprocella/pseuds/agayprocella
Summary: Kurapika and Leorio have been living together for a while now, but things take a turn for the worst as Kurapika relives some of his childhood memories.
Relationships: Kurapika & Kurapika's Father, Kurapika & Kurapika's Mother, Kurapika & Pairo (Hunter X Hunter), Kurapika/Leorio Paladiknight
Comments: 8
Kudos: 167





	When You Think Of Love, Do You Think Of Pain?

The first time it happens he’s almost sure that he’s going to pass out.  
He’s in the kitchen cutting up vegetables as Leorio puts away the groceries he just came home with and, just for a fraction of a second, he gets distracted and slips up.  
He instinctively winces at the pain and lets the knife fall back onto the counter with a loud clang, making Leorio turn around with a worried expression on his face. 

“It’s nothing…” He says preventively, shaking his hand around to distract himself from the stinging pain. “I just cut my finger.”.  
Leorio puts down the paper bag onto the wooden table next to the refrigerator and gently takes Kurapika’s hand in his.  
The cut itself isn’t anything serious, it’s not even drawing blood, but Leorio still looks at it from different angles as if it were a genuine wound.  
“This is terrible,” He whispers sarcastically, clutching Kurapika’s hand tightly. “I might just have to cut your whole arm off.”.  
Kurapika lets out a snicker as his boyfriend pulls him into a tight hug and starts covering his face with kisses.  
That’s when it happens: Leorio puts Kurapika’s injured hand up against his face and presses a soft kiss into it.  
He feels the air getting knocked out of his lungs and suddenly he’s in an entirely different place and time.

_He’s young, very young. Not old enough to know that the world is a cruel place filled with terrible things and horrible people.  
He’s young and he feels like everything is waiting for him to come along.  
The sky is a beautiful shade of blue dotted by a few white clouds, it’s a perfect day for staying out until dusk playing in the forest.  
He and Pairo are following one of the beaten paths leading out of the village and into the thick woods when, all of a sudden, the younger boy trips on a root growing out of the ground and falls face first into the dirt. Kurapika is immediately at his side, trying to help him up as best as he can. _

_“Ouch, that hurt…” Says Pairo, wiping some of the dust off his clothes. He blinks a few times before they both notice a tear in his pants and a large abrasion on his skin. “Oh, no, my mom’s going to kill me!”  
Kurapika grimaces and instinctively reaches for his satchel before pulling out his canteen and a clean handkerchief.  
“Stay still…” He says, slowly pouring water onto the wound to wash away the blood and dirt. He takes a good, long look at the cut and decides it isn’t anything too serious.  
Just as he’s about to open his mouth again, though, tears start streaming down Pairo’s face and the boy begins to weep quietly. _

_“Ah! Don’t cry, Pairo, it’s alright…” Kurapika whispers to his friend, pressing down his handkerchief onto the wound. “See? It’s not that bad.”.  
Pairo wipes away the tears from his cheeks and sniffles a little before speaking up: “I’m sorry I’m such a drag all the time.” .  
Kurapika frowns at that, though he isn’t entirely sure of why such a statement makes him feel so uneasy, not yet, at least.  
“Don’t say that. You’re not a drag, you’re my friend.” He says, his tone loud and assertive. His hands automatically move around to form a knot with the handkerchief around Pairo’s leg. “Does it still hurt?”  
Pairo nods a little, still trying to hold back his tears. He clutches his knee with his little hands and lets out a weak sob.  
Kurapika turns his nose, unsure of what to do to calm his friend down. He feels something moving inside of him while looking at Pairo wiping his eyes with the edges of his sleeves, his hands shaking ever so slightly._

_He bends down and places a small kiss on top of the handkerchief covering the wound, much like his mother would do when he was smaller.  
“There, now it should be gone.” He murmurs, a faint smile on his lips.  
Pairo chuckles softly: “You’re so silly…”. But Kurapika can tell he’s already feeling better.  
They both laugh._

He feels his knees give in under his weight and, before he can do anything, he’s already kneeling on the floor, his hands covering his mouth as he fails to stop himself from sobbing loudly.  
Suddenly, it feels like the whole world is coming apart at its seams. He can hear Leorio calling his name, but his voice is drowned out by the loud ringing in his ears.  
His heart is beating like a hammer inside his chest, he can feel it in his eardrums as Leorio gently cups his cheeks and starts speaking to him in a distressed tone of voice.  
He sees his own bright red eyes reflected in the man’s and feels something inside him stirring awake, begging to be let out.  
There’s a faint taste of blood in the back of his mouth, and he slowly begins to realize that he’s been biting the insides of his cheeks for a while now. 

“Kurapika, what’s wrong?” Leorio asks, worried, removing a loose strand of blond hair from his face. Kurapika doesn’t reply, he just buries his face in Leorio’s chest and lets out a gut wrenching wail that reverberates through his entire body.  
He feels himself shrinking down in Leorio’s arms, his hands gripping at the man’s shirt almost as if he’s afraid that if he were to let go he would surely drown in his own sadness.  
He sobs again, loudly, as Leorio pulls him into a tight hug and kisses the top of his head. 

“It’s okay, I’m here…” The man quietly whispers into his ear, caressing his back in slow, circular motions.  
Kurapika shuts his eyes tight and lets himself be slowly lulled into a sense of security, his hands letting go of Leorio and settling onto his chest as he tries to control his breathing as best as he can.  
He feels lost and confused, his mind split into two between the past and present, his heart aching to the point he thinks it’s going to break.

It’s not new, this feeling of incredible loneliness and pain, he’s felt it before, many years ago now. But not like this, never.  
He feels a part of him dying over and over again as the memory plays back in his head a thousand more times, each more and more compressed as if someone was fast-forwarding through his mind.  
He tries to formulate his thoughts into words but nothing he comes up with can quite convey the cascade of feelings inside him, so instead he just cries. He cries until he feels as if there are no more tears inside him, no more bawls to be let out. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” He hears leorio asking, his voice soft and sweet. Kurapika shakes his head vigorously, he’s afraid that if he stirs things up once again everything is going to spill out and this time he won’t be able to stop it from drowning him. “That’s okay.”  
Kurapika curls up on himself and places his ear on Leorio’s chest, trying to synch up his breathing with the man’s in an attempt to calm himself down.  
They stay like that for a while, without saying anything, only the low hum of the refrigerator to keep them company.

Kurapika looks up at Leorio for a moment, his breathing now steadier than before, and feels something swell up inside him. It's a warm, pleasant feeling of peace that spreads through his body and makes him relax bit by bit.  
Slowly, in gentle waves, it starts to chip away at the great sadness in his chest and replaces it with something more similar to peace.  
He feels warm and safe as Leorio traces circles on his back with his hand, humming quietly to himself.  
He feels kind of silly for a moment in thinking it, but he knows for a fact that when Leorio is there it feels like the world is a little less cruel.

The next time it happens it doesn’t catch him by surprise, he can feel it rising in his chest as he’s lying in bed with a high fever.  
Leorio is sitting next to him, reading a book, his brows furrowed as he concentrates on the text. The room is quiet, the only sound to be heard is the soft pitter pattering of the rain on the bedroom window.  
It’s slow, at first. His mind has to catch up with the flashing images appearing every time he closes his eyes, but little by little he starts piecing together part of a passing conversation. 

_“Come feel his temperature…” His mother’s voice feels so far away even though she’s right next to him.  
“He’s really burning up… Should we go get a doctor?” He feels his father’s hand on his forehead for a moment, then it’s gone and he’s back alone in a sea of darkness._

His breathing gets heavier and heavier as he remembers what it felt like being stuck inside his bedroom as thunder rolled outside.  
He turns around to face Leorio, who’s looking at him out of the corner of his eye, his brows furrowed in a concerned expression. “Everything okay?” He asks.  
“Yeah… Uh, just a second.” He hears himself replying, his mind in two different places at the same time.

_“Is he gonna be okay?” He can hear his mother’s voice shaking a little and feels frustrated at the thought of not being able to make things better for her.  
His father places a wet rag over his forehead and hums to himself. “He’ll make it, he’s a strong boy.” He says, but there is fear in his voice as well.  
He opens his eyes for a second and sees that his mother is crying, her face pale as tears stream down her face._

“Mom…” He whimpers, and only later realizes that he’s let the word slip out of his mouth, as Leorio turns his head towards him and gives him a questioning look.  
He bends over and places his hand on Kurapika’s forehead before frowning. “Ah, this isn’t good.” He says, getting out of bed to rummage through the first drawer of the bedside table. 

_“What’s wrong, honey?” His mother asks him, her voice as sweet as ever. She bends down and combs his fringe out of the way before kissing him on his forehead.  
He tries to speak up but his voice sounds weak and hoarse: “I’m cold.”_

“I’m sorry, you want me to get you another blanket?” Leorio speaks in a hushed tone, still busy looking through the medicine drawer for what Kurapika assumes to be an antipyretic.  
He feels tears welling up in his eyes as he pleads to him: “Please don’t leave me alone.” 

_“We’re not going anywhere, I promise.” His father reassures him, holding his hand tightly.  
He hears thunder rolling outside and instinctively shivers, his whole body shaking in fear.  
Tears start streaming down his face and he sniffles a bit, his head aching like someone’s driving a nail through it._

“I don’t think I’m all here…” He says as Leorio puts a pill in his hand. The man looks at him with worry in his eyes and sits next to him on the bed, waiting for him to take his medicine.  
“Where are you, then?” He asks softly, wiping the tears away from Kurapika’s face.  
Kurapika feels his heart pounding in his chest, his breathing is still heavy and sporadic.  
“I’m home.” He whispers, reaching for Leorio’s hand. “With my parents.”  
Leorio hums, his fingers entwined with Kurapika’s, before speaking: “What’s happening?”.

“I’m sick.” He answers after a while. He is tired and empty, like all the feelings inside of him dried up with the fever and left him an empty shell of himself. “My parents are worried. Mom’s crying.”  
Leorio gently runs his thumb across Kurapika’s knuckles, his hands are warm to the touch. “How old are you?” He asks, then.  
Kurapika tries to concentrate on the images flashing by, but whenever he tries to pick them apart they become just a jumble of colors and sounds impossible to decipher.  
“I don’t know…” He cries into the pillow before biting his tongue. He feels like he’s lost within himself. 

_Suddenly, out of nowhere, he hears music; a sweet lullaby coming from somewhere beside him.  
It takes him a while to figure out he’s hearing his mother sing to him, her voice clear and soft. She pronounces each word in a delicate tone as she caresses the top of his head._

“Leorio, it won’t go away.” He sobs, clutching his boyfriend’s hand tightly. He’s having a hard time keeping himself grounded, as he feels the world spinning around him like a carousel.  
“Just breathe with me, okay?” Leorio says, laying down in front of him and reaching for his face.  
Kurapika closes his eyes and tries to tune out everything but Leorio’s steady breaths. It takes him a while, but eventually he is able to ignore the scene playing back in his head and focus on himself.  
Slowly, little by little, he feels a comfortable warmness taking over his body, his heart settles for a steadier rhythm and tears stop streaming down his face. 

“Is it better now?” Leorio speaks, quietly, after a while. There is a calm, comforting smile on his face and Kurapika can’t help but feel somewhat safer just by looking at it.  
“A little…” He says, curling up on himself and placing his forehead on Leorio’s chest, his voice still a little shaky. “Thank you.” He adds, then, and he can feel blood rushing to his face in embarrassment.  
Leorio hugs him and buries his face in his hair before starting to cover the top of his head with kisses, making him chuckle a little.

“You know I love you, right?” He asks Kurapika, who in turn presses a gentle kiss on his lips.  
“Yeah.” He replies, a faint smile on his face. “I love you too.”.  
Leorio smiles, lighting up the entire room, and Kurapika feels his heart skipping a beat.  
He doesn’t know if it’s because of the medicine he’s taken or the fact that the memory has finally stopped playing in his head, and maybe he doesn’t care about finding out, he thinks, but as he looks into Leorio’s eyes he can feel all the tension and sadness melting away.  
He takes a deep breath and, for a moment, thinks that with Leorio at his side he could do just about anything.


End file.
